The Path to Spirituality
Having just launched Yoga Veda Saratoga, I can’t help but reflect on my life experiences that led me to that ‘aha’ moment when I found my inner Truth - that feeling of finally belonging, of finally being home.
Sure, I was raised Catholic but, admittedly, I had a hard time connecting with the teachings of the Bible - or maybe it was the institution of the Catholic church; the seemingly random rituals of standing up, sitting down, kneeling, praying. Perhaps it was just timing. Or maybe I just wasn’t ready.
According to Dr Maya Spencer, “spiritual development often involves spontaneous experiences or revelations that cannot be accounted for scientifically. It sometimes also happens more gradually “when the fragility of life is revealed and a person re-evaluates the meaning of life.” There is no timeline on spiritual growth; for some, it happens earlier; for others it happens later. In my case, each experience in my journey brought me closer to where I needed to be, but it took a series of traumatic events for me to “wake up.”
By all accounts, I had a privileged upbringing, surrounded by a loving and supportive family that enabled me to travel through Europe, attend summer camp in the United States, participate in cultural exchange programs so I could become fluent in not two but three languages, and attend a prestigious liberal arts school (thanks to generous scholarships) followed by graduate school in Washington, DC. Yet, somewhere along my journey, my experiences taught me that I wasn’t worthy, that I was lesser than, that I did not belong, and that I always had to prove myself - do more in order to be someone.
Being bicultural was more of a curse rather than a blessing, at least at the time. I had trouble fitting in and being understood, and I didn’t know how to express my feelings in a productive way. Over time, the only way I knew how to escape the loneliness was by partying hard, consuming endless amounts of hard drugs and alcohol, and spending time with people who could provide a welcome distraction from the reality of life, even if for just a moment. Losing control was a way for me to gain control - or so I thought. In the end, it led to a series of traumas as a teenager that I only finally processed 20 years later.
College provided a welcome reprieve from my tumultuous teenage years that shifted my focus to my studies. I became a straight A student with a double major and two minors, graduating summa cum laude with a plethora of prestigious awards in hand. From here on out, I thought life would be smooth sailing, but as soon as I entered the workforce, those feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and unworthiness resurfaced.
At age 22, my anxiety became so bad that I developed TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint) dysfunction, my jaw grinding so hard at night that I would wake up the next morning in excruciating pain, unable to move. Doctors prescribed me a night guard combined with various pain meds and ordered electrophysiological (shock) therapy to loosen up my contracted muscles, but nothing seemed to work.
Over time, the tension and stress grabbed a hold of my body, manifesting in psoriatic arthritis. It took one swollen foot, three visits to the Emergency Room and a dozen doctor’s visits to finally diagnose my condition. The only way I could function was through a super-cocktail of x-rated medications (the kind administered in conjunction with chemotherapy) and steroids to neutralize my overactive immune system.
Years later, my digestion began to fail and I started to suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), chronic constipation and various food-related allergies, which doctors could not explain. I experimented with numerous diets - blood type, keto, gluten-free, dairy-free, whole 30, Atkins, elimination - you name it but none of them proved sustainable or yielded tangible results.
At the same time, I found myself in one unhealthy relationship after another, spending several years in between to “find myself” but never fully understanding the Law of Attraction - that the outside world, as reflected in my relationships, mirrored how I felt about myself. If I couldn’t find a way to love and respect myself, how could I expect others to do the same?
You would think that all of these illnesses and the failed relationships would have forced me to stop and re-evaluate my life. But even so, I continued the patterns of behavior I had been socialized with, focusing on the expectations of the physical world while my heart and spirit searched desperately for a deeper connection. I continued to work hard in the hopes of climbing the corporate ladder; I made money, schmoozed with bigwigs, and built relationships with people I considered influencers - and I always made sure to post catchy pictures on social media - all in an attempt to prove to others, and to myself, that I was worthy. By the way, I don’t mean to insinuate that I was never happy - I was. But I don’t think I truly understood myself or my reason for being until years later.
In 2019, as I shared with my first CultureLynx blog, I experienced the worst year of my life. The company I had previously served for 4 years decided to kick me to the curb: I lost my income, my apartment, my title - and with that, my identity (or so I thought). Shortly thereafter, my dog Louis died in a tragic accident, and a week later, I miscarried. To this day, I don’t know how I made it through this dark time. For months, I felt completely lost. The pain of losing everything was unbearable. And yet, as I processed the various stages of grief, I realized I had to make sense of these tragedies somehow.
I think those were the moments that led me to my spirituality. I recall sitting on the porch overlooking the yard and just listening to the wind, feeling Louis’ wild spirit running around, chasing after squirrels. I would observe the cardinals in the backyard and they would always mind me of my grandparents, Grandma and Boo. When the clouds parted and the sun cast its rays of light through the sky, I would think of my Omi. In those moments, I would feel a profound sense of peace envelop me like a blanket filled with warm, loving energy. There was something in the air that made me feel more connected, more at home than ever before.
It is said that cardinals are angels sent from Heaven as spiritual messengers and carriers of souls. Had I not experienced death firsthand, I would have never believed it. But it’s true. When my grandfather passed at the age of 90, a big beautiful hawk flew down into the yard and, for an instant, it was as if the whole animal kingdom stood still. The moment the hawk flew away was the moment my grandfather drew his last breath. I like to believe that my grandmother came to take him away and cross over into the spirit world. Some of you might think that’s nonsense, but I like to take comfort in my faith.
Did you know?
Since the beginning of time, birds have been embraced as messengers between the spiritual and the physical world, their feathers a symbol of “the protection and love of guardian angels, the wind, the Creator, and even the connection one has with God.”
It is from these feathers that the logo for Yoga Veda Saratoga was inspired - the circle representing yoga (union) and the feathers representing the connection to the spirit world in search for Oneness, universal Truth. The colors, too, were selected with intention: gold represents warmth and light and green symbolizes rebirth, renewal, and immortality.
It is this spirituality, this trust in a higher purpose, this connection to Source, that lights my inner fire and makes me want to share my story, build bridges, and promote kindness, compassion, and healing in the hopes of making a difference. Yoga is one way I can do that. Translated from the word “yoke” in Sanskrit, yoga literally means union - union of body, mind, and spirit. It is through that union that we are able to experience Truth in a way that cannot be defined by intellectual knowledge. It’s that deep, innate knowing that we are connected to something greater than ourselves, that allows us to find meaning and purpose in life. Signs abound if only we are willing to open ourselves up to the Magical, the Mystical, and the Divine.
I wish I could tell you that finding my spiritual Self magically erased any feelings of self-doubt, anxiety or insecurity and made my health issues disappear. As you know, things are never quite that simple. But I am happy to report that I have drastically reduced my dependency on medications and, through the power of yoga, have strengthened my body, mind and spirit, nurturing a mindset and a resilience that enables me to bounce back more quickly and easily than ever before. I strive to live my life with purpose and to be intentional in my thoughts and my actions. The relationships I cultivate are a reflection of this newfound understanding: The people I hold closest to my heart inspire me, they enlighten me, and they make me a happier and better person.
So how do you find your spirituality? As Dr Maya Spencer suggested, there is no silver bullet on the road to transformation. It’s all a matter of time. The good news is, no matter where we are on our journey, yoga is one way we can promote Oneness and connection with our Higher Selves.
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